fonz impelled: Embrace yourself ? The Full Moxie:: Celebrity, Entertainment, DIY ...

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Embrace yourself ? The Full Moxie:: Celebrity, Entertainment, DIY ...

I was in the shower blissfully shaving my legs when the realization dawned on me: Everybody is disgusting. It didn?t just hit me out of the blue ? there was en entire thought process that went something like this:

My feet are so dry and crackly.

My toenail polish is chipped and looks like some 8-year-old did my toes with Barbie polish. And my big, flat, Fred Flintstone toenails have gunk in the corners. They?re like man feet.

I need to get a pedicure (not ever to be confused with or called a pedi-file; telling your friends that you and your daughter wanted pedi-files just sounds wrong; I know that now).

But ermahgerd, if I get a pedicure, I better to be sure to shave my feet because they?re like hobbitses, these feet, with the hairs on the toes and the foot part.

SHAVE. MY. FEET. And that?s pretty much when it hit me: Everybody gets hairs on their feet. Seriously, you may not see them, but we all get them. We just never talk about them ? not in polite society.

Well, I?m here to shed a little light on something I like to call IMPOLITE society, aka?ME. I?m sitting here, drinking beer in the middle of the day on some random Tuesday, and I?m going to talk about those things which we women REFUSE to talk about or admit to. Because once we all admit it, we can start to accept it: That we?re all just plain gross.

Here?s the facts, Jacks:

You ferf. How do I know? Even though Sofia Vegara may be hawt, she also sometimes has the worst stinky flatulence that makes her bunghole sore. How do I know? WE ALL have that flatulence sometimes. That horrifyingly stinky, can?t-really-blame-the-dog flatulence.

Just like sometimes all of us find some errant long hair growing out of like, our shoulder, or on our arm or boob or something ? a hair we forget exists until it gets about 2 inches in length and then we?re all, ?Oh yeah, the weird hair!? before yanking it out.

Speaking of hairs, did you know that Kristen Stewart has hair that grows out of her moles? Total FACT. I know this because WE ALL HAVE HAIR growing out of our moles. Our gross, ugly, oddly colored and unfortunately situated moles. And when she sees the hair, she is just as embarrassed by this natural occurrence like most women are.

Also? Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian, Anne Hathaway and pretty much every dark-haired beauty has a mustache. They remove them. Me? I?ve had the hormonal, post-baby?mustache?issue only twice; but I admit I have this really embarrassing black whisker ? A WHISKER ON MY FEMALE LIP! ? that has started showing up under my nose and it?s like the random weird hair: I forget it exists until I?m all dolled up and out on the town and then I catch sight of it, like, in the restaurant bathroom, waving like kelp in the sea of my exhalation. And I never have tweezers when I need them.

While we?re being frank, nobody is tricked, by the way, by any of your assertions that you don?t pick your nose. You are the biggest nose picker you know and YOU LOVE IT. You would never admit it, but it?s almost as satisfying as POPPING ZITS, which you also love, especially the white heads on your partner?s back.

And you get plenty of zits, too, even on your butt.

Your poop stinks. It always?stinks. Sometimes the stinkiness of it satisfies you, sometimes it makes you gag. Don?t deny it: It?s true.

And sometimes ? sometimes? You have?diarrhea. Or you don?t poop for days. From waterfalls to rocks and everything in between, you are like a pooping machine. We all are.

You know who else gets goop in their eyes? Everybody. Even dogs and cats. And we all get food in our teeth and weird, horrifying globs and other excretions during menstruation ? but only the womenfolk on that last one.

The fact is, we use stink-pretty juice and we bathe and brush our teeth and otherwise AVOID talking about this gross stuff, but I want to disabuse all of you: we all barf, we all have gas, we all pick our noses; we all get zits, get snotty, have diarrhea and go potty; we all have embarrassing dreams we cannot share; we all have gross moments and errent hairs ? we are all. Super. Gross.

Embrace it.

[featured image from?www.fanpop.com]

Traci

Traci Arbios is a web designer and syndicated columnist (which she touts because it makes her feel fancy). She is also fancy. And she loves cheese. LOVES.

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